Loving Your Teenager (In Spite of Themselves)

This booklet is written for those of you who didn't stop to think thirteen years and nine months ago. Because you didn't, you are now faced with this alien being commonly called a teenager. So what do you do to survive the next five years? Well you could drown the little beastie but that seems rather pointless after already investing the best years of your life in its growth. No a much better idea is to read this booklet.

It's being written by a parent who's been there, done that and is now, thank goodness, a grandmother.

Nobody is an expert on child rearing. If they say they are, they need a reality check. The ideas expressed in this booklet are just one ordinary woman's opinions. I have no degrees in child behavior but I have something way more valuable, hindsight. This hindsight allows me to look back, see what worked, what didn't and give you the benefit of my knowledge. The first piece of knowledge is:

KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

This is extremely important. How you think of the teen years you're either approaching or now into will have a definite bearing on how well you do. No matter what anyone else has led you to believe, teenagers are a blast. Sure babies are cuddly and cute but then they turn into the terrible twos, threes and fours. Five through twelve has some bearable moments if you have the patience to witness T-ball, beginning band concerts and innumerable sports events. But, for pure entertainment value, the teen years can't be beat.

Where else can you see such pathos, such drama, such comedy? And all within one twenty-four hour period. The mood swings alone will keep you young and vibrant just trying to keep up. Add to this, the blossoming of reason and hey, this clump of nothing you started with is now a walking, talking marvel. Of course this walking, talking marvel can sometimes be a pain in the you know what so you'll need to keep your:

SENSE OF HUMOR

Especially when your little sweetheart is ranting, raving and having a _ _ _ _ fit for no reason other than you are breathing in their space. Yes, you could deck them but then they are controlling you, not you them.

No what you should do in this situation is merely smile or even laugh. Once they realize they're not upsetting you, they'll do one of two things. Say "you're hopeless" and stomp off in a huff, leaving you with peace and quiet (not a bad thing) or they'll ask you why you're smiling. You then answer, "I was thinking how much you remind me of myself when I was your age."

This should stop them in their tracks — "Like their mother or father — oh yuk". Just watch their behavior change. The whole point of rebelling is to be different. With one little statement, you've taken away their motivation.

Chances are they will try to upset you again, so you'll smile your little knowing smile and before long, they'll get the message:

You can't be their victim if you're smiling.

And if you consciously think back to your teen years, your teen is probably no worse than you were.

Maybe just a teensy bit more spoiled but who's to blame for that? The object here is to survive their hormonal changes while coping with your own. A sense of humor will do that. It will lighten your load considerably. True there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior; but, if your child is merely running off at the mouth occasionally and not doing drugs or drinking, consider yourself lucky.

A mouthy teenager is only trying to assert their independence. The same goes for their hair and clothes. If both are clean, why should you care? Your friends will understand, they are either sharing your dilemma or have already gone through it. The key to understanding your teenager is:

Remembering your teenage years.

Think back and consciously remember how you felt at their age. Every event was a big deal. You didn't care about anything except what concerned you. Life centered around you and nothing else. Well, nothing has changed. Your teenager's emotions are just as volatile as yours were at the same age. Nobody goes through adolescence well. You didn't, the guy or woman next door didn't because nobody is born with that much confidence. Absolutely nobody. Time has a way of dimming memory. Don't believe? Try whining to your parents about your teenager's behavior.Don't be offended when they laugh uproariously and remind you about all the episodes you've chosen to conveniently forget. Your parents are not being unsympathetic or callous, they are just enjoying this moment — paybacks are so sweet. Listen closely to your parent's stories and if you're honest, you'll realize you weren't the perfect child. Neither is your teenager. But don't worry your teen's "know it all attitude" only lasts until they are eighteen or have a child of their own,which ever comes last.

In the mean time, keep your sense of humor, it will help you over, under and through the dreaded teenage years.

STEPS WHICH SOFTEN TEEN YEARS IMPACT ON YOUR

NERVOUS SYSTEM:

Volunteer

During the early teen years, before your teen gets a driver's license, volunteer gracefully to take and pick-up your teen and their friends from their social events. Think of yourself as a chauffeur. Quietly drive and listen to what is being said. This means UNDER NO circumstances do you enter the conversation unless asked.

Drive and listen quietly. Two things will happen, you'll be pleasantly surprised at the good sense being bandied about in their conversation and it'll give you the necessary clues of what you need to address the next time your child seems remotely interested in what you have to say.

If you have a car pool amongst the parents of your teens friends, then volunteer to pick-up rather than take. Sure it's more inconvenient but your rewards are greater.After a social event, the teens in your car will be more open about discussing what went on. If you are very quiet, they'll forget your presence. Listen closely and remember names the teens discuss. It will help in the next step.

MAKE A DATE (this works best with daughters)

With all the hormonal changes going on in your teen's life, sometimes they get "owly" for no good reason. This is the time to make a date. And say it exactly that way, "We are going on a date". The first time you say this your daughter will think you are a little nutsy or whacked out of your mind. So what else is new.

Just explain that you are taking her out to dinner (if you have more than one teen daughter, do not include the others — this is one-on-one time). Pick a place where you are sitting in a booth or at a table with very little background disturbance. Make sure it's a place her friends or yours don't frequent. It has to be neutral ground to allow one-on-one relating. That's right, this means only one parent and one teen.Your teen will never open up

and talk if both parents are staring her in the face. The whole idea is for your teen to have your undivided attention for an hour and a half or longer.

The next step is the hardest, listen attentively to what your teen is saying. Don't allow your eyes to glaze over, don't yawn and above all else, curb your desire to preach.In fact, curb your desire to speak. This is her time to ramble on about everything going on in her life. Only talk enough to keep her rambling.

You'll be amazed at what you learn. This teen you thought was an "airhead" has a very good head on her shoulders. All those lessons of right and wrong you didn't think was sinking in over the years are actually embedded. By your second or third date, you'll feel a lot more relaxed with your teen's value system. Trust is being established.

A word of caution: Do not betray this trust by speaking to anyone else including your spouse about what you discussed on your date. This is strictly between you and your teen.

If you listened attentively when you were car pooling and made a point of remembering the names of your teens friends, you can insert a comment like, "Oh yes, Stacey. Isn't she the one who collects penguins?" Your teen will be so impressed you remembered, they'll even tell you more. Pretty soon you'll really look forward to these "dates" and be glad your teen gets "owly" at least twice a month.

Which they will because your teen has more pressures than you did when you were their age. Our so called information society has seen to that. Your teen is constantly being bombarded by media related B.S., teachers who think they have only one subject so assign way too much homework and you, the parent who expects them to excel. No wonder they become frustrated.

By sitting quietly and allowing them to vent or talk about this frustration without offering any pearls of wisdom (preaching), you become a safety valve. Also, when a really big problem comes up in their life, they will feel comfortable coming to you for advice.

This part is tricky. Even though your teen might be seeking advice, do not be an enabler. In other words, don't immediately jump in and solve their

problem. You have an opportunity here to teach them to go from A to B and arrive at C. In other words, training them to make responsible decisions. This is where you ask questions, giving your teen the opportunity to come up with their own solution. If they can't, only then do you offer advice – not preaching -- but advice, remembering to say this advice in a non- condemning way.

You might want to relate a story in your past where you handled a similar situation wrong and what you learned. At the end of your story, you assure your teen you are sure they have the good sense to do what's right. It is still up to your teen to make the decision. All you've done is point them in the right direction.

MAKE A DATE (this works best with sons)

Boys in general don't like one-on-one sit down in your face talks. It makes them nervous. If you get anything out of them, it will be one syllable or less, maybe a grunt. A boy takes a lot more finesse to find out what's bothering them. You usually have to assign them a chore, then go out and work right along side them.Periodically toss out a comment which requires more than a yes and no response. If you're lucky, you might get five or six sentences in a row. Take what you can get. With a boy talking about events in their life is fine, emotions --well good luck. What's important is just feeding them and quality "hanging out" time.

BE FIRM YET GENTLE

Every now and again even the best teen makes a wrong choice. They did not think past A and B and arrive at C. For instance:

Your teen goes to a party, tries to be cool by drinking a couple of beers and gets caught. Your first inclination it to ground your teen for life. Understandable but not necessary. Tell your teen to go to bed and you will discuss their punishment in the morning. This will do two things. Allow you to cool down and more importantly, your teen will spend all night worrying what punishment will be forthcoming. The next morning when your teen wakes up, tell them you are still too angry to discuss the matter or even speak with them. Then send them back to their room. Give your teen a couple of more hours to sweat.

Finally, sit your teen down, look them directly in the eye and say, "I've thought long and hard about your punishment. I could ground you for the next six months but I've decided everyone is entitled to one mistake and you've just had yours. So there will be no punishment this time.

When your words finally sink in and you see their look of relief, say emphatically, "I don't expect this to ever happen again while you are under my roof and believe me if it does, I will come down on you like a ton of bricks." Then get up and walk away.

What you've just done is give them "a get out of jail free" card. This will confuse the heck out of them. You didn't react in the expected way and they will give a lot of thought to why you didn't. They also know if they do this ever again, their punishment will be ten times worse because you warned them. Now they will have to think from A to B and come up with a different C. One that is acceptable.

This works for any type of unacceptable behavior. Allow one mistake and that's all. A teen can't help but test you, that is the nature of the beast. It's your job as a parent to care enough to be firm.

Being firm can be hard. It's so much easier to let a teen get away with stuff just because you've worked a 40 hour week and don't want to be bothered. Don't fall into this trap. It will come back and bite you big time.

BE REPETITIOUS

Part of raising a child is to teach them to become responsible adults. They must be held accountable and acknowledge they are responsible for certain chores.Become lax in your requirements and your teen will take full advantage. It's annoying and downright inconsiderate when you are put in the position of nagging but teens sometimes have the attention span of a knat, especially when it concerns cleaning up after themselves. Don't let them get away with this. Sure, it's easier for you to just go ahead and do it but in the long run, it's a disservice to your teen.

Make a list and post it or better yet, write up a contract and have them sign it. Make sure the contract is specific and tells them what happens if the chores are not done in a timely manner. Should your teen drop the ball which is highly likely, make sure you follow through on the consequences.

Think of this as preparing your teen for the real world. An employer is going to expect things to be done on time and in the manner agreed upon. By instilling similar expectations into your teen before they go out and seek work, they won't be in for a culture shock.

By being consistent and repetitious in your approach to your teen's minor infractions, they will have little doubt what will happen when a major infraction occurs.Make sure you and your spouse agree on this issue. Don't fall into the trap of one parent being the good guy and one the bad guy. Your teen will divide and conquer unless you are united.

HOLD YOUR TEEN ACCOUNTABLE

Under no circumstances allow your teen to pass the blame. They must learn at an early age the only one responsible for their decisions is them. If you constantly give your teen an easy out, they'll take it and soon, it becomes a habit. Responsibility means:

RESPONDING WITH ABILITY

It's what every parent should strive to do, teach their children how to respond with ability. When you do and your teen comes upon a situation which requires them to make the right decision, they should be able to do it without thinking. It should come as naturally as breathing. The teens who know how to accept blame, also know how to think from A to B to accepting the consequences. In other words, C.

These are the teens who can't be influenced by their peers. They have a mind of their own and use it to influence others. Be proud, you have raised a leader not a follower. A comforting thought in our less than perfect world.

PREPARING YOUR TEEN FOR THE REAL WORLD

Every year your teen should be given more freedom. A better word would be independence. Too many parents want to protect their teens from life's bumps and bruises.Coddling is good for babies but not teens. Curb your desire to make it easier on your teen than what you experienced. They must learn a good work ethic if they are going to succeed in the real world. Teach them their word is their bond. If they say they are going to do something, make sure they do what they promised even if it isn't convenient or something better has popped up. You are instilling discipline — the iscipline to put work first and pleasure second.

A disciplined teen will do better in school, make better choices in their personal life and be ready to accept doing boring tasks when an employer demands this as part of their employment.

Teenagers shouldn't be given money just for being part of your family. Assign every day chores you expect them to accomplish without giving them an allowance. Only when they go above and beyond these chores should you pay them for their work. If they want extra money, allow them to take a part-time job. This will show them how to handle money. Don't bail them out when they get into a financial jam. Work with them to figure out a way they can solve their problem. If you don't, you will find yourself constantly bailing them out when they are well into their twenties.

Each year extend your teen's curfew if they have shown responsibility. Make sure they know curfews are the one rule you won't allow broken. A teen can come up with a load of reasons why they should stay out later. Weigh each reason on a case-by-case basis and make sure if you do allow latitude, they know it is only for this one instance.

LETTING GO

Realize you do not own your child, you just have them on loan for eighteen years. If you have done your job (parenting) correctly, they should be ready and able to leave your nice comfy home.

Animals kick their young out when it's time. You should too. Maybe not literally but figuratively. If your child decides to work instead of seeking a higher education, expect them to pay for living in your home. By insisting on this, you are preparing them for going out on their own. Should they whine or complain, sit them down and list out just how much it would take for them to rent an apartment and pay their own bills. Make sure they know it's a privilege you're granting by allowing them to live in your home.

Don't allow your teen to use your home as a hotel. Tell them you expect them to still pitch in when things need to be done around the house even though they are paying room and board. You have to so why shouldn't they?

Once they decide to go out on their own, make sure they know you don't have a revolving door. Sure you love them and will help out but they don't need to know this yet.

BE A CHEERLEADER

This is the single most important aspect of being a good parent. Every thing else aside, you should always be cheering your child on. Rah-Rahing is good for their growth and self-image. This doesn't mean you rah-rah for every inconsequential thing they do. Too much rah-rahing and it loses it's impact. No this type of cheerleading is for the major decisions they make even if you don't necessarily agree. It is their life and must be lived according to their wants and desires.

Sometimes you will have to bite back your desire to tell them how stupid their decision is but do keep quiet. They'll find out soon enough if it is and it will be your job to soften or present the positive side of their learning experience.

Life's lessons can be hard but they do build character. You found this out so allow your child to find out also. Curb your protective instincts and cheer them on to greater heights.

After all, when parents do their job right — taking the best part of how they were raised and adding to it — the next generation can't help being better.

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